when i was a little girl i remember everytime i turn on tv i would imagine myself wearing nice dresses like those popular people on tv were wearing. a coat cameron Diaz wore, or the dress Julia Robert wore in her movie premier. but since i’m kind of a person who realized very well of her own purse (or face?), never have i tried to buy such things. so the desire that i call Woman Nature was buried inside my heart.

it was about 2 weeks ago that i found that the library in my dormitory does apparently have some Japan Elle magazine, so eventually i (excitedly) took some of them to my room and checked one of them. to be very frank, never have i untill that time read any such magazine in my life except Bobo, Kawanku, Gadis or the most advanced i ever read that time was Cosmogirl. Enjoying reading (or i can say looking at the pictures) my eyes took me to the prices of the dress. my dear friends in the whole world who are currently patiently reading this blog.. i could tell you one dress in that mags can cost months of my scholarship.. T_T suddenly i lost my mood to check the mags, i closed it and returned all of them to the library.
as i was walking back to my room there was this one question in my mind : How could one spend that much money only for one cloth? devils and his son of darkness have been trying to create this circle. u buy, u wear, u amaze people.. and then here comes the big social problem; Prostitution. one got the money, buy more clothes, wear them, buy again.. once one got in, one sink in the circle. and if you are one of the son of the light i can tell you will be sick being in Japan, since it has become a common thing.
what i want to say here is fashion is definitely ok; how great is our God that He gave this special skill to girl, to make up and to dress to be looked pretty. yet to turn this inessential thing into a main thing into one’s brain, to dress like one’s breast could pour out, to wear pants of which we can possibly call it panties, and to spend soow much money in it would be the most unwisely thing a girl could do to herself.

remember that " Everything is lawful for me, but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is lawful for me,but I will not let myself be dominated by anything"
"Segala sesuatu halal bagiku, tetapi bukan semuanya berguna. Segala
sesuatu halal bagiku, tetapi aku tidak membiarkan diriku diperhamba
oleh suatu apapun." 1 Corinthian 6;12.
hmm.. the verse might be a bit out of context but nevertheless never be a slave of anything from the world!

lately i’ve been wandering
off the old path i used to walk
my bone was drying, my heart was aching, i felt like so old
the world is pulling me more and more each day
i felt like an odd man as i began to pray.
i hated the way i felt inside, i hated the way night passed.
i felt like an odd man as i begin to pray.

"
I’ll never hurt you, I’ll never lie
I’ll never be untrue
I’ll never give you reason to cry
Through the years My love will grow
Like a river it will flow…"  was what You kept shouting in my head.
yet still, i don`t see what You wanted me to see, i could not feel what You want me to feel, and though  i heard i could not understand.

"
Listen closely to what i say" You said

"I’ll never hurt you, I’ll never lie

I’ll never be untrue

I’ll never give you reason to cry

Through the years My love will grow

Like a river it will flow…"
and true, it always seem to be a flowing, the rhyming and the melodies inside me.
i neither know which way these technical difficulties shall end, nor be able to comprehend all these noises places people feeling. but as peace as to see the birds came flying to the playground, i`m listening to You.. my Jesus

21st years old today. it seems yesterday when i wondered how it could be to be more than 20 years old, how would i felt that day, or what were things i would have done till that age. yet it came indeed.. surely but sure, without giving me a glance of time to feel its coming.
i`m finding it’s difficult to describe how i`m really feeling right now. well, i am still the same person i think. nothing significant or incredible change had happened to me anyway. but i did if you asked me has changed. something changed inside me. i am i realized not exactly the same person as i was that day we first met you know (who ever you are anyway ^^;)
i remember when i was quite young back there.. i recalled myself to be so interested with my own birthday. i was expecting so much from people around me.. friends, best friends, know-so-so-friends, families or maybe from you to have me a present. though it never really happened as i wished it would be, but to tell you the frank i did enjoy the feeling only. i was happy to have that feeling. and i am happy to have this feeling. i won`t lie i`m no longer longing for birthday present or surprise at all but a new and greater feeling has taken its place of importance.
i`m happy with who i am. what i have got. or where i am. i`m happy just because good people keep surrounding close to me, happy some of them greet me "happy birthday yen!" today.. i am blessed..

Psalm 139:2-18

Tuhan memberiku sebuah tugas,
yaitu membawa keong  jalan-jalan.
Aku tak dapat jalan terlalu cepat,
keong sudah berusaha  keras merangkak,
Setiap kali hanya beralih sedemikian
sedikit

Aku  mendesak, menghardik, memarahinya,
Keong memandangku dengan  pandangan
meminta-maaf,
Serasa berkata : "aku sudah berusaha
dengan  segenap tenaga !"
Aku menariknya, menyeret, bahkan
menendangnya, keong  terluka.
Ia mengucurkan keringat, nafas
tersengal-sengal, merangkak ke  depan.
Sungguh aneh, mengapa Tuhan memintaku
mengajak seekor keong  berjalan-jalan.

Ya Tuhan! Mengapa ?
Langit  sunyi-senyap

Biarkan saja keong merangkak didepan,
aku kesal  dibelakang.

Pelankan langkah, tenangkan hati…..

Oh? Tiba-tiba  tercium aroma bunga,
ternyata ini adalah sebuah taman bunga.
Aku rasakan  hembusan sepoi angin,
ternyata angin malam demikian lembut.
Ada lagi!  Aku dengar suara kicau
burung, suara dengung cacing.
Aku lihat langit  penuh bintang
cemerlang. Oh?
Mengapa dulu tidak rasakan semua ini  ?
Barulah aku teringat,
Mungkin aku telah salah menduga!

Ternyata  Tuhan meminta keong
menuntunku jalan-jalan sehingga aku
dapat mamahami  dan merasakan keindahan
taman ini yang tak pernah kualami kalo
aku  berjalan sendiri dengan cepatnya.

"He’s here and with me for a  reason"

Saat bertemu dengan orang
yang benar-benar engkau  kasihi,
Haruslah berusaha memperoleh
kesempatan untuk bersamanya seumur  hidupmu.
Karena ketika dia telah pergi, segalanya telah  terlambat.

Saat bertemu teman yang dapat
dipercaya, rukunlah  bersamanya.
Karena seumur hidup manusia, teman
sejati tak mudah  ditemukan.

Saat bertemu penolongmu,
Ingat untuk bersyukur  padanya.
Karena ialah yang mengubah hidupmu

Saat bertemu orang yang  pernah kau
cintai,
Ingatlah dengan tersenyum untuk
berterima-kasih  .
Karena ia lah orang yang membuatmu
lebih mengerti tentang  kasih.

Saat bertemu orang yang pernah kau
benci,
Sapalah dengan  tersenyum.
Karena ia membuatmu semakin teguh dan
kuat.

Saat bertemu  orang yang pernah
mengkhianatimu,
Baik-baiklah berbincanglah  dengannya.
Karena jika bukan karena dia, hari ini
engkau tak memahami  dunia ini.

Saat bertemu orang yang pernah diam-
diam kau  cintai,
Berkatilah dia.
Karena saat kau mencintainya,  bukankah
berharap ia bahagia ?

Saat bertemu orang yang  tergesa-gesa
meninggalkanmu,
Berterima-kasihlah bahwa ia pernah  ada
dalam hidupmu.
Karena ia adalah bagian  dari
nostalgiamu

Saat bertemu orang yang pernah salah-
paham  padamu,
Gunakan saat tersebut untuk
menjelaskannaya.
Karena engkau  mungkin hanya punya satu
kesempatan itu saja untuk menjelaskan.

Saat  bertemu orang yang saat ini
menemanimu seumur hidup,
Berterima-kasihlah  sepenuhnya bahwa ia
mencintaimu.
Karena saat ini kalian  mendapatkan
kebahagiaan dan cinta sejati

God Bless You

hem.. belakangan banyak banget yang menarik.. salah satunya karena lagi summer, serangga bertebaran dimana2. duh pusing banget.. >__<

suatu kali pernah lagi mandi tau2 ga tau dari mana dateng serangga segede kingkong, trus muter2in lampu kenceng banget sampe lampu dah mau pecah. ak cuma bisa diam, bingung mesti bergerak apa ngga.(pas itu udah selese mandi).
n terjadilah hal yang paling ditakutin….!!! serangganya capek muter trus dia diem tepat didepan pintu kamar mandi! di bawah kaki! oh God what should i do..!! trus aku teriak kenceng2 "dou shiyou! tasukete!" ga ada yang dateng…. siingg.. suasana sunyi, ga berani ngapa2in, cuma bisa mandangin tu serangga. mgkn serangganya mikir gini "kau bergerak atau aku yg bergerak!"

hhh… akhirnya udah agak lamaan.. sadar kalo ini bakal take forever.. akhirnya pelan2 banget ak copot sendal sebelah.. trus.. PLAK! ak lemparin si serangga! eh GA KENA!!  krn digituin si serangga tadi kaget bukan maen… dia terbang membabibuta! cepet2 aku pasang lagi sendal, ambil semua peralatan mandi, "AHHHH" trus lari kenceng (sambil membabi buta juga) balik ke kamar…
hhhh… kowakatta…
kapan ya summer berakhir…
;(

hari ibu internasional 2 hari yang lalu bikin kangen banget sm mama. semua adegan2 dulu2 jadi inget lagi. pengen ketemu rasanya..
ga sabar nunggu 2 bulan lagi.

kalo diinget2 lagi, dulu sering banget sebel sm mama. waktu masih sd, pengen banget nonton kartun tiap sore yang jem 5 (lupa apa), tp hrs pergi les. waktu udah mulai ngerti baca komik… tau2 didaftarin les inggris, les mandarin, les balet, les tambahan macem2. tapi itulah.. mungkin dulu kita ngga ngerti apa maksudnya, apa pentingnya, tp skrg waktu udah gede, kita sadar untung dulu belajar ini itu, untung dulu les ini itu, n kita nyesel kenapa dulu ga sungguh2 belajarnya.dan terutama kita nyesel kenapa dulu harus ngebantah mama.

mungkin kebanyakan mama2 laen sering nyuruh belajar, tp anehnya mama ampir2 ga pernah nyuruh belajar. yg ada cuman nyuruh makan yang banyak (==;) jadi inget juga dulu waktu smp ampe 3 -4 bulan insomnia, waktu itu mama yang nemenin tidur tiap malem. walopun mama udah capek banget n ngantuk tp mama masih nemenin ngobrol malem2.crita2 waktu ke pasar ketemu siapa aja, hari ini n besok ngapain aja.

waktu bareng mama semua jadi kerasa lucu, caranya memandang suatu masalah unik n simple. ga suka komentarin orang, ga suka dandan berlebihan, kadang suka ngelucu. n kalo dibecandain suka ketawa ga slese2 krn ma mama diinget2 trs becandaannya. kadang suka kaya’ agak sombong juga trutama soal masak2. yang paling lucu n sering diinget dari mama mungkin pesan2 kesehatan kali ya.. sakit apaaa aja.. pasti bilangnya kurang minum aer putih, pasti ujung2nya panas dalem, bla bla bla. masa insomnia dibilang karena kurang minum aer juga sih. ==; oiya, dulu pernah sakit tifus, trus jadi disuruh banyak istirahat n tidur2an aja oleh dokter,jgn banyak buang energi. eh ama mama bener2 24 jem disuruh baringan aja, jgn gerak sama skali. bener2 sm skali ga bergerak. sebulan udah sakit itu, jadi deh ndut kaya balon.makan trs tp ga bergerak. ==;
kalo pegi belanja bareng, susaaahh banget, soalnya apa yang mama pilih itu udah kaya jaman film oshin msh beredar. kebalik kl soal makan, dulu tiap pagi n sebelum tidur dibuatin susu. n ntah kenapa alasannya tiap kali makan hrs ada nasi putih. oh my God.. no wonder where i got such body, huh.. ==; slama di jepang ini,kadang2 sebelum pergi sekolah suka inget mama. sedih rasanya ninggalin kamar pergi skolah ato gereja cuma sambil ngunci kamar. kangen rasanya bilang "ma,pergi ya." kalo lagi nonton drama2 di tv ato youtube,jadi inget jg kl dulu seru banget nonton bareng mama. bisa sambil ketawa2, share humor, n nangis bareng di adegan sedih.

anyhow anyway mama udah berkorban banyak banget. waktu ibu2 laen pegi shopping2, mama duduk mikir gimana caranya kita bisa tetep makan, waktu ibu2 laen mungkin pergi senam utk ngurusin badan ,mama bahkan ga sempet mikirin beli baju baru.waktu ibu2 laen sibuk arisan,sibuk mikir beli apa utk makan malem,sibuk mikir mau liburan kemana ntar, sibuk dandan,sibuk ikutan les2 ga penting, sibuk ngesosip, bahkan mungkin sibuk mikir beliin anak2 mereka maenan ato hiburan baru..
tapi waktu itu bahkan terlintas di pikiran mama utk ikutan kaya gitu aja mungkin ngga pernah..karena waktu itu dia juga lagi sibuk, karena waktu itu kita lagi duduk makan bareng sambil saling cerita ttg macem2.

i miss her a lot.. i miss the words i used to say to her before i went out, i miss the angel in white hair, laughing at my jokes. i miss her unlimited questions.. "sudah makan tadi?,sudah minum aer putih yg banyak hr ini?, sudah mandi? tadi jajan yang ngga2 ya di skolah? kenapa hari ini kayak ga sehat?….."

mungkin skrg keberadaan seorang yg
kita panggil mama ga gitu kerasa. dengan macem2 alasan kita, trutama yang jauh dari mama, kita lupa ada yang nunggu kita di rumah, kita lupa mendoakan dia, kita lupa ada malaikat berambut putih sedang mendoakan kita. ada ga sih dari kita yang slama 1 detik aja dalam 24 jam kesibukan kita, kita ingat sm mama?

let’s spend a second of our 24 hours busy days thinking about girl/boy friends or school or job to rememorize her smile. we can run and fly faster then anybody else now is not merely because we are able to do it from the very beginning but because of her gentleness, courage, and love. when you have time to be with her, hold her hands, and sleep dream together. listen to her wisdom, remember her sweetness and beauty, don’t let her get hurt. penyesalan dimulai saat kita berpikir kita memiliki smua waktu di dunia ini, jadi mari kita lakukan hal yang bisa dilakukan sekarang, let’s tell her we do love her.

"All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother." - Abraham Lincoln

have you ever felt like everything is worth nothing, and that to lose everything won’t mean anything? is it because of my new school, my new living, or problems that hit me this lately.. anyhow i’m feeling like that this lately. i feel like every single effort i’m doing might mean nothing. i don’t know what to hold, what to believe, neither whom to  count on. i’m caught in myself.

i want to be braver to get through myself, stronger enough to be counted on, and happier  enough to  stand alone.  sometime it’s felt like i wanna run away from this all, though i know i should not. the path has to be gone on, not because this is the only way i know, or because i’m lack of ability to save myself,but merely because it’s a path i chosed. and being in this path has tought me so many things that i might not ever be able to learn if the track is not this track. i learned how precious the life i ever knew back there, and also how precious you mean for me.

there were moments when i felt like i couldn’t help asking why,why and why. unwanted things kept happening though i kept on praying,kept on pressing, kept on mending, yet i felt so tired of crying them though. so then i cast my fears, let go what should to be let go, did what should be done, and held tighter to my faith.

"…So when you feel like hope is gone Look inside you and be strong And you’ll finally see the truth That a hero lies in you

It’s a long road When you face the world alone No one reaches out a
hand For you to hold You can find love If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt Will disappear…" Hero-Mariah Carey

i had been thinking these days that what i didn’t understand within me, the thing that kept bothering me for so long might turned to be poison. it could take over me and turn me into something ugly if i don’t stop it right away. to understand someone might be a very hard thing to do, but i believe to cope with oneself might be an even harder thing to do. i’m weak, and i admit it. yet i wanna "See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see… out of fear, conformity or laziness"-Patch Adam.

there are so many things wanna be told but i’m not a good storyteller. there are things i wish i could cope with but i’m just a person with limited ability. but everytime i lose myself i hope that time, that me, will remember that to believe in my faith means to see everything. as it is said..

“I believe in
Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I
see it, but because by it I see everything else.” by CS Lewis

i can’t count anymore how many nights i have passed,feeling depressed.
my head is heavy, i hardly can be focus on nothing.
i miss someone who i can share these sleepless nights. i miss someone to say "ah,i understand"
i hate myself for not believing what i should, i hate my mind that works me out.
it became my habit already since i couldnt fall asleep, to re-memorize everything i’ve been through,especially my childhood.i remembered there was a time when i couldnt sleep,i tried to count sheeps (a stupid one told me it was a cure the day before). so i started to imagine counting sheep. and guess what happened? i dont know what was wrong with my mind but the sheep somehow jumped too fast and i was getting so much panic that i lost my count. bad idea.. never try it. and the next next day were the same, i imagined different things. when i imagined i was lying peacefully in the middle of green field, somehow it was rained.when i imagined i was floating on the sea, somehow it was stopped cause anyhow a shark came!! 
sometime my brain can be so humorous.

ehm..at this kind of time,i also remembered my family, my brother. and my old friends. made me realize how i have been blessed this long time. to die now would be a not-worthless thing,i think.

the bad thing about me is.. every every this time,i really really wish someone also experiencing the same thing as me. i wish someone is having sleepless nights like me. i wish to know the person. wanna have a chitchat with one. i know it’s bad to think of it, but just cant help it.

ahhh.. how suck.. must sleep now..

dear everybody in the world who sleep tightly every night, dear you who never have to suffer this ancient disease, and dear you who thank Lord for giving such a day by making loud noise every night..

i ENVY you dear folk..
envy you so much that i wish every single of you wake up at night to feel the same thing that i feel every night this lately..

arrggh.. why? why? why? why should me? i’ve been a very good girl, i drink milk every morning, do exercises, do my homeworks, go to church every sunday, be nice.. but WHY?  why should i suffer thiss insomnia thing? ;(

feel so depressed every time the sun goes down.. "ahh the time to go to bed is coming" thought i..

i’m so tired.. i wanna have a good nice sleep too.. hik.. i’ve tried to drink.. lets say.. chocolate milk, pure milk, pure milk with honey (i hate honey.. yaiikk >_<).. make my body so tired by doing exercises, pray and once again pray.. but still…

please for those who concern enough with my continuation of living in this world.. give me comments bout how to get away from it.. or.. please call me or just let me call you in the middle of the night to accompany me..  that would be nice.. ^^
my prayers with you..

it was started after my returning from the country. i was back to who i was. losing myself..  felt so much burdened by everything around. sicked with every little thing happened. felt like i just wanted to lay down all the time, and did nothing. i was so fragile..then i started to hate myself, i hate knowing that i was not loved, i hate when i cried.
    then after some stupid-confusing-tiring-full of tears days, i at last tried to rearrange myself. seeking and getting back my reasons of being here. i realize that i’m not alone, n how much i am being loved here. mourning days will still come anyway, nevertheless new reasons to keep me struggling will yet be founded. though i haven’t known what the plan set for me really is, the track must be walked through. someone ever told me that somedays wouldn’t feel so good if it wasn’t for the rain. and he’s hell right. few days ago i watched a movie, i’ve watched it three times maybe if i’m not wrong. watching the movie somehow made me realize.. oh my goshh how i wanted to come here back there, how this place was my trully passion that it became my habit to dream of being here. n to see how i became so much hate this place is such an irony..
    anyway anyhow, i’ve decided not to go to some places,n meet some people from now on till couple years ahead. not because i hate them, yet it’s because i can’t help myself loving them too much. being in the places and people such that tortures me from longing them while i have so much things binding me right now. well, some might think it’s a bit awkward.. i know but still i can’t help it. since i believe our ties are yet strong enough to find us a way back home to each other.

PHILEMON 1:3-4 "aku mengucap syukur kepada Allahku setiap kali aku mengingat kamu. dan setiap kali ak berdoa untuk kamu semua, ak selalu berdoa dengan penuh sukacita"